Kerry Says "It's Worth It!"

I spent 39 years of my life living for everyone else but me.  All my life I knew that I could never be happy as a man.  I hated the thought of “becoming transsexual” and the stigma attached to it, but I hated the thought of continuing my life as a man even more.  My life became worthless to me.  I struggled with constant depression and frequent suicidal thoughts.  This life was nothing more than me waiting for it to be over and hoping it would end sooner than later.  I felt next to no emotions.  I had never experienced true love.  How could I when I was not my true self?  I never experienced true happiness.  How could I when I could not even find happiness in the most basic thing that most humans are born with… being content in their own body.

 

In July of 2009 I made the decision to begin my transition and “salvage what was left of this life.”  I thought transition would be an immediate cure to a lifetime of discontent.  The first few months were filled with turmoil and grief.  But that was to be expected as you begin to find out who were your real friends, which family members were going to be there for you and just how much humiliation you could stand before you curled up into a little ball and gave up. 

Then the euphoric feeling began to kick in.  I began to see beauty in things I had never noticed before.  Sunsets, flowers, things that were always there under my nose yet unnoticed.  I began to smell the fresh air and the perfume of a beautiful woman.  Life was just beginning.  I was alive for the fist time in my life.

At this point I thought I was out of the woods and life would be a bed of roses from here on out.  Then I had an unexpected setback.  I could not progress as fast as I wanted to.  I still saw Kenny every time I looked in the mirror.  I convinced myself that I was going to be a “freak” for the rest of my life.  I would be alone for the rest of my life because “who could ever love me?”  After all I am only attracted to women and most women who are attracted to women “would never want someone like me.”  I went through a lot of grief at my job.  Oddly it was before I ever changed to a great extent and before I ever even came out at work - I was outed by someone I trusted and my life became of living hell.  Eventually I would leave my career of 15 years to escape the fate that awaited me if I were to have stayed.  Depression returned with a vengeance.  I sought help from both the psychiatric field and the medical field.  Eventually I would find the right combination of hormones and anti-depressants to stabilize my life.  The most important step is to seek that help and not be ashamed.

Friends told me that "it gets better."  It gets easier.  I will eventually meet someone who would love me for me.  I could not believe that.  After all I was still terrified to walk out the door of my apartment.  I believed that EVERYONE was staring at me.  I recall thinking that people driving past me in the opposite direction were staring at me and they knew I was a transgender woman.  I would stare out the window of my apartment for as long as it took until there was no one lurking outside as I would quickly run out to my car.  If I went out in public with no makeup on I was still called sir and mister.  I had terrible luck on the dating front as well.  I wondered how this could ever get better.

Well, I am happy that I am still here to tell you today that it does get better!  Slowly but surely my confidence began to build.  It was partly due to my persistence in getting out and becoming comfortable in my new role and partly because of the AMAZING effects of the estrogen on my body.  Suddenly when I would go out in what I used to call “boy mode” I was being called ma’am and miss.  Even with no makeup on and in “boy” clothes. 

"Boy Mode"

Suddenly I was learning to love myself!  I was learning to like the face in the mirror.  I was learning my look and my style. Learning how makeup worked for me.  Which clothes looked right on my body and which didn’t.  The estrogen was working its magic.  My body and soul were becoming one for the first time.  I was once a very masculine man.  I was a police officer.  I had broad shoulders and big arms.  I had a very thick beard and a hairy chest, arms and legs.  I look at old pictures now and that seems so long ago and feels like I am looking at someone else.  I never would have believed the dramatic changes that would occur to my body!  Not only was I becoming more and more comfortable being in public but I began to develop a bit of swagger as well. 

Anyone who is my facebook friend knows that I now LOVE pictures of myself... heeheehee. I used to hate every last one as a man!

Recently I have met someone special.  She is my soul mate.  She loves me unconditionally and loves me for me.  I never would have dreamed this possible.  I once believed that a MTF transsexual could never end up in a serious relationship with a genetic female.  That could not be further from the truth.  I am truly the happiest I have ever been in my life and life just keeps getting better and more rewarding every day!!!

So to any LGBT person, or any person at all who feels this life is not worth hanging on, remember these two inspirational quotes that kept me hanging on.  And I am thankful every day that I had the strength to hang on….

"The beauty of life is, while we cannot undo what is done, we can see it, understand it, learn from it and change. So that every new moment is spent not in regret, guilt, fear or anger, but in wisdom, understanding and love." 

"Only when we are no longer afraid do we begin to live."

I am here and I offer support if anyone should need it.  If any of you who read this EVER think of ending your own life please, please, please reach out to me or ANYONE!  You are never alone!!!!!!!  There are countless numbers of people who have been where you are and where you are going.  Best of luck and please believe me when I say IT’S WORTH IT!!!! 


 

Natasha Says "It's Worth It!"

"Whatever you do, don't give up on this, if it's who you are."

"It gives you the ability of not having to deal with that pain anymore; you get to be you all the time."

"Please never give up on yourself because you're worth it."

I recently gained a new friend in Natasha of the "Always No, Sometimes" blog.   When she was asked to contribute to the "It's Worth It" Project, she immediately jumped into action and posted the following video.

Be sure to watch this through, especially around the 8 minute mark.  Powerful stuff.

Tasha says "It's Worth it!"





Would you like to contribute to the "It's Worth It?" project?  Send an email to:

LORI (AT) ITS-WORTH-IT.ORG  (use the @ sign in place of the word "at" obviously).

And bookmark this page for many future contributions from many people wanting to share the same message to those who feel they have little hope: It's worth it!

Remember to bookmark : http://ITS-WORTH-IT.ORG

Why the "It's Worth It" Project?

Everyone who is trans has a story to tell.  Many of us choose to tell our story to the world.  Unfortunately, scores of other trans men and women are too afraid to even reveal their authentic self to the world and maintain their silence for years, decades, and many even go to their final resting place without telling anyone about who they are inside.

This is dedicated to sharing our stories with anyone willing to read and see that after all was said and done, after coming out and making incredible life changes, it was worth it.  It IS worth it.

This is a place for YOUR story of hope to be shared with those trans men and women who want to know if it was worth it to YOU.

Will you contribute?  Email your story or questions and comments to LORI (AT) ITS-WORTH-IT.ORG. (obviously you need to change the word "AT" with the "@" sign.)

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I created this site after writing the following post on my own blog:


Every morning (or early afternoon, depending on how late I stayed up) I crawl out of bed, creep down the hallway with one hand on the wall to steady me, and grab a cup of cappuccino to get me moving.  Eventually, I'm alert enough to shower and go through the process of making the ugly, morning me into the pretty, made up me.  It's a pain in the butt sometimes, but at least once a week, without fail, one thought enters into my mind:

Is it worth it?

The answer is always revealed in the silent grin that appears on my face before I apply foundation and concealer to hide the dark circles under my eyes.  Hey, that's one trait I inherited from my mother.

Yes, it's worth it.  In fact I'm convinced more than ever that it's worth it.

I used to ask myself that question every day for nearly a year after I transitioned. The answer never changed.   Over time the question didn't enter my thoughts every day but slowly skipped a few days until only occasionally it pops up due to current events occasionally reminding me of the life I used to live.

The "It Gets Better" project was championed by gay celeb Dan Savage primarily to give gay youth a hope that their despair would one day turn to joy.  I've even done my own It Gets Better video to add to the thousands of voices reaching out to LGBT people.  But even on the front of their page, it states:

Many LGBT youth can't picture what their lives might be like as openly gay adults. They can't imagine a future for themselves. So let's show them what our lives are like, let's show them what the future may hold in store for them.

"Openly gay adults."  Yes, I'm gay.  I am in a lesbian relationship with my wife.  But to date, trans men and women have never had their own voice of hope to proclaim boldly.  We all know it...life...can and most often does get better.  But to the person who is dying inside, afraid to reveal their authentic self to their friends, family, and employers, they want to know beyond "Does it get better?"  They want to know,

"Is it Worth It?"

I'm alive today and made it through some truly dark times in my life.  I'm not speaking to those who aren't looking at this for thrills, lace and beauty.  No, I'm speaking to the other Lori's out there who simply want to embrace their authentic self and stop suffering in silence.   I'm speaking to those who "just want to get better" and treat this condition.  "Is it worth it?"   I can only tell you my answer when I ask myself that question every so often:

"YES.  It's Worth It."  You're worth it.


What about you?   Are you in a place to ask yourself: will it be worth it?  Suicide is not worth it.  You're worth far more than that.  You're precious in the eyes of God.

It's time to let go of the guilt.

It's time to let go of the shame.

It's time to know what you're worth.

It's worth it.  You're worth it.
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(Have you transitioned and/or are in the process of transitioning?  How valuable do you see yourself now and when compared to before?  Did your sense of value increase or decrease?  Was it worth it to you? Let's hear it!)  




(Reposted on my main blog page: http://lorisrevival.blogspot.com)